Many of us will never have the chance to meet with a birth family member. But some of us will experience this event. What words can you use to describe such a meeting? Devastating. Humbling. Fortunate. Can you ever process that moment?
If you get to have this experience, you are fortunate. You will have the opportunity to find out more information about your child's history. You can take photos. You can try to get answers for your children that will help them connect the dots of their identity that have been displaced or disrupted because of their separation from their birth family. At the same time, you will look into the eyes of that family member or those family members and share a pain that is so deep and profound that words can never convey. Never ever.
But what if you have or what if you could? What questions do you wish you could know or do you wish you asked? What questions do your children want to know that you never thought of?
Nothing can truly prepare Heidi and Mark for this experience. But I think they, as well as everyone else, can learn something from these questions. It's not always the most obvious thing that you wish you knew days, weeks, months, or years down the road.
This is a very personal question in so many ways. Please share your thoughts but don't feel pressure to relate a story specific to your experience unless you are comfortable doing that. If you do have any advice about the actual meeting of a birth family member, feel free to share that or to email Heidi and Mark. Every voice is very important and unique here and we have the opportunity to provide guidance that could truly impact the lives of Degaye and Derebe through this blog experience. Thank you all for participating!
Heidi,
ReplyDeleteThis will be one of the WORST and BEST days of your life. For sure, it will forever rank among the hardest. Mick and I were shattered after we met Lilah Abeba's father. Just shattered. We asked a lot of good questions and got a lot of good answers, but now that the emotions have died down I do have a couple of regrets. Things I didn't ask that I wish I would have.
I wish we would have asked him to tell us her birth story. He may not have known much, but every little tidbit of info is so valuable. I wish we would have asked him to tell us as much as possible about what he thought when he first saw her, what her mother thought, what her siblings thought. All those little details that I can tell to my sons, but will never have for her. This *might* be a really painful thing to ask... so you'll just have to use your own judgement as to whether you can bring yourself to ask these things or not. But now, being home on this side of it and knowing that I will never have the chance to ask these things again... I really wish I had some answers.
The other thing I regret is not asking how she got that sweet little scar on her cheek. I'm sure she will want to know this someday, and I wish we had something to tell her. Even if it was just that we asked her daddy and he didn't know either. At least we would have tried.
But I do feel good about the things we *did* ask. Here's a few:
Who does she look like?
What was her mother's personality like?
What message do you want us to give her from you when she is older?
What do you want her to know about you?
What hopes do you have for her future?
What are some things that his family or her mother's family likes/enjoys? (music, dancing, cooking...)
We also asked about health things, but I don't think he knew much about family health history.
It was so hard, Heidi. So hard. But these words are things that will become treasures in your sons lives. And truly, it was hard for her dad too, and I don't think the answers he gave us were well thought out- he was just shooting from the hip. I think he just wanted to see that she was going to be well cared for and live in a happy home and get a good education. I don't think he came to the meeting thinking of answers to my random questions, know what I mean? So some of the things he shared weren't very profound nor deep, but treasures none the less.
Oh- and I recorded the entire conversation on my computer. Because it's so emotional you won't be able to remember everything that is said. I still haven't been able to bring myself to go back and listen to it... but I know it is there and someday I will transcribe it and have all his words to keep for her. :-)
Happy for you!!!! So close now!!!
We are one of the fortunate ones who were able to meet our girls' family; not only that, but we have continuing contact with them. Before we left, I felt like I had to do it perfectly. I needed to find out every question that needed to be answered and get it down. I had to somehow think of all the things the girls would be asking. I had pages of questions. My agency suggested putting them in order of importance, since there was no way we could get all of them answered, which was definitely a good starting point!
ReplyDeleteI stepped out of the car for our family visit with sheaf of papers in hand, worrying about how many I could get answered. However, the minute I saw a man that I knew was their father (one of his daughters looked exactly like him), I shoved the papers into my pocket. This thought occurred to me: "What do I want to take away from this? Do I want to remember painstakingly reading down a list of questions, making sure as many get asked as possible? Or do I want to be fully present?" We were videotaping everything, of course, but I wanted to remember the smell of the grass, the sunlight on their sisters' skin, their father's smile. I wanted to remember being there, not just remembering it because it was taped.
We had one or two questions about the babies' birth and health that we felt were important, and a question about their birth order. But after that, we told the translator "what does he want us to know? what's important to him? what does he want to know about us?" And, as effectively as can be done with translation from English to Amharic to Sidaamu-Afoo, we had a conversation. Sometimes we'd ask a question in response, but the list was long gone.
We didn't get all of the questions answered on that day, and I'm OK with that. When the girls ask a question that we can't answer, we write it down in a special book and tell them that we'll go and ask in person in a year or two. And we'll keep doing that. This will enable them to open up a relationship with their father and uncles and siblings that can be theirs alone.
Just try to be mindful and present 100%. We haven't watched the video yet, but I can remember nearly every single minute, including the wind blowing through the tree overhead, the chickens pecking in the dirt, a little girl bouncing a baby on her knee....
Looking back, my original intent was to go and take as much (in terms of information) as I could. We wrote a letter telling them how much we would like the babies and how we would raise them and such, but I admit that until we arrived, my sole focus was on getting questions answered. Like somehow if I had enough answers, I could help the hurt of being adopted. The truth is, even if every single question had been answered, there is still hurt and loss and grief. What I'm able to offer the girls now is stories about the day I met their family and plans for the time when we go back to see them again. And this is a much richer tapestry than pages of answers.
Bea seemed to be favoring her left hand for a long time. And while I don't think handedness is determined so early (???), I was thinking about my family members who are left-handed and then I was just kind of sad that I didn't know that about her birth parents.
ReplyDeleteIs that something Bea will want to know? I know this may seem simplistic in the grand scheme of things. But I don't know what she will want to know and all I know is that I won't have the answers.
It is not an interview. The questions, while important, do feel somewhat out of place with the devastatingly sad/tragic event that is happening. But the questions are important.
Like Gayla said, I think having details about their birth would be very special. What time of day was it? Where? Who was there? How was their name chosen? How do you say mother and father in their language? I think there is power in that. They can call their parents and you can refer to their parents by something other than birth parent or biological parent or first parent ... none of those terms ever really feel right to me.
I love what Sheila has written. It isn't about pages of answers. It's too emotional for lists. And being present in the moment, holding hands, hugging, crying together ... that is the most beautiful and torturous part of it. I think you and Mark already have a rich understanding of that, about processing adoption in your own lives. That gives you a great place from which to draw and may be something really special to share.
You will feel your way through this.
try to get the meeting videotaped or recorded 1) because you won't remember any of it and 2) it's amazing to have family member's voices on tape. it's good to ask all the big questions like family history and the birth story but it's also good to ask silly ones like, favorite sports or foods, how did the parents meet etc. we were lucky and got to meet a family member and it was shattering and exhilarating and exhausting and uplifting and walking away from them with the twins was THE HARDEST THING i have ever done. I'll be honest, not that I wanted to leave the twins with him, but because I wanted to take him with us. take as many pictures as you can. We took pictures of him holding the babies but of course he wouldn't smile in those pictures. Luckily he does smile a lot during the interview so we have that gorgeous smile on video. Have a list of questions--more than you think you will ask, crazy random and serious questions because your mind will be blank when you are sitting there so it's good to have something to refer too. but also go with the flow when you are there...try to be in the moment as much as you can. And yes...as hard as it may be...before you go to bed that night WRITE IT ALL DOWN--every thought, feeling, sensation you had. Because by the end of that week you will be so exhausted you won't be able to. It's going to be hard but it's SO worth it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI gave Elfe's father a photo book with many of the same pictures that I had included in the book I sent to her between referral and travel and the book I brought with me to Ethiopia to prepare her before we left - I did it mostly for convenience, but it has been really comforting to Elfe to watch the videotape of me showing her father that book and knowing that HE has the same pictures that SHE first saw of her new home.
ReplyDeleteI didn't ask him about the day Elfe was born, and wish I had.
If I had it to do again, I would ask a generic question like "tell me anything you can think of that Elfe might have strong memories of." She often tells me stories of things that happened in Ethiopia, small things but obviously they had an impact on her, like being bitten by a bug or riding a horse with her father to see a doctor, but the memories are kind of jumbled in her brain and getting fainter so I can't tell if they really happened or not and I can't help her hold on to the details because I don't know what they are. Those are the times when I think of her father the most and wish I could just call him on the phone and say "did that really happen?"
Finally, make sure to get a picture of you with their family, I think it makes a huge difference for Elfe to know that I met her family and to have the visual proof (she even brought that picture to pre-school with her to hang on the family board).
Heidi -
ReplyDeletewhat a wonderful, intense experience you will surely have. By the time we met our daughter's uncle, we were over the hump of the first few days (general advice: don't feel like a terrible person if you wake up in the middle of the first night wondering if you've made a terrible mistake!), and we had our wits about us and felt prepared. But it was very emotional hard anyway, of course. My biggest recommendation would be to videotape the whole thing. We set up our little Flip camera in the corner of the table, and just let it run the whole time. It captured this wonderful moment where her uncle took a tissue out of his pocket and reached over to wipe her runny nose. It's hard to explain, but it was such a loving gesture, and expressed so much about who he was and how much he loved her that I feel like it was more valuable than anything we could tell her about him or her family.
Also, we did make a photo album for him of pictures of her, since we knew that he probably did not have any. We also included pictures of our boys and us as a family to give him a sense of who we were. You would have thought we gave him a million dollars -he was so touched and could not stop looking at the pictures of her. She still has siblings in Ethiopia, so I also wanted them to have pictures of her to remember her by.
In general, as with everything else, just try not to have specific expectations. The whole trip for me was very hard and emotional, especially after spending so much time getting ready and being so happy to go. The emotions I felt that week just did not match up to what I thought I would feel, and I was worried that I might have taken on something too big, or that I would never be able to love Ruby and I would fail her. A mere three months later, I can look back with relief and say that I was worried for nothing, but those feelings were scary when we were over there. Just be open to everything, take a million pictures, and don't analyze yourself or the boys at all until the dust settles!
good luck & safe travels,
Claire
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ReplyDeleteThe meeting with our daughter's family was amazing, humbling, overwhelming, sad, and many other things. Record it with a video camera. Take pictures with the family. If there are other children (siblings) present, speak to them. Ask them their names, how old they are, what they do for fun. Also, I don't know your children's story, but ask the person (s) to speak to your children in the video camera. What their wishes are for them. What they want them to know about them. I wish I had done what Sheila suggests too. To just take it all in. Because I feel like it went by so fast and I just went by the paper of questions.
ReplyDelete~Anne
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ReplyDeleteYou have received so many great ideas! It was a hard and beautiful day for us. We did not write any questions down and I remember thinking we had made a terrible mistake in not doing so. When we walked into the room she burst into tears and I did too. Thank goodness my husband was there to get the conversation started otherwise I think the two moms would have just sat there and cried. We knew quite a bit from a video the agency had shot for us already. They had included a lot of great things about the day she was born and why she chose the name Mihiret. Those are our favorite parts of the video so I would also highly recommend knowing those thing. In the end I was so glad that we didn't have lots of in depth questions. She told us the most amazing stories about our daughter. She told us about her bossing all the village children around and demanding that everyone pray when she wanted them too..LOL! She smiled a lot while she was telling stories. It was beautiful. It will break you and it will be a day you remember forever. For me...mom to mom...I will never forget tightly hugging the woman I will share a daughter with forever.
ReplyDeleteI second writing it down the same day. I reread what I had written the other day and there were little things in there I didn't remember.
Have an amazing trip!
Heidi,
ReplyDeleteI know that our meeting the birth family is priceless. Priceless in our family's narrative.
I am so thankful that we were able to meet them.
The one piece of advice I could give would be to go in with no expectations. We thought that we were meeting with the great aunt who had relinquished Zadie, but once we were at Gladney's office the birth mother and a cousin also we there. I kept picturing how the meeting many go, and my thoughts were nothing like the actual meeting.
I will also tell you that it took place in a boardroom like atmosphere. I wished I would have known that going into the meeting. I was a little taken off guard with the atmosphere, but later appreciated it.
We are so thankful that we were able to meet the birth mother. So many questions were answered, so many fears were laid to rest.
We had a list of questions, used the list of questions - otherwise I think we would have lost all sense of direction because of the overwhelming emotions.
I remember thinking as we sat there with these people across the table from us "I need to really experience this moment. I need to stay aware and to take in the details."
The great aunt and the mother were both very gracious and supportive. They both seemed thrilled that Zadie was going to live in America with us. In fact, they said "We think she has a good new mommy." Talk about priceless.
We took many photos, asked many questions, answered many questions, shared many hugs, shed many tears. I left the meeting feeling like a chapter had been closed, but the chapter had a happy ending - a cliffhanger, if I may - that foreshadows many good things for the future.
Wow! As an adoptive mom-to-be, this wealth of information/stories/recommendations is priceless! Thank you all for sharing, and Heidi, I can't wait to hear all about your time in Ethiopia! God bless you!
ReplyDeleteWe didn't have this opportunity with Noah (who is from ET) but we did with our older 4 year old child, Luke.
ReplyDeleteAll the questions people posted are amazing - so my only tip would be to take as many pictures as you can of the family and of the village, etc. By the age of 3 or 4, kids are so visual and my older son loves looking at pictures of Guatemala - even a picture of the airplane he rode on to come home; the hospital where he was born - places that he can relate to as part of his history.
i missed all the fun this weekend. :(
ReplyDeletethese comments are all so beautiful i'm sitting in my office bawling. thank you to everyone that shared their story.
amazing.
heidi and mark. safe travels to you both.
i hope your time in ethiopia is wonderful.
much love and light.
heather
oh one more thing I wish I had asked...did they know they were having twins? what did they think when TWO popped out!?! :-)
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